1999 SIXTEEN YEARS OF AGE AT HOME ON THE COUCH
Here.
I passed the joint to Caroline. We were sitting on the couch watching VH1 behind the music. Aerosmith. I dunno. Anyways Caroline she pulled, dragged, penetrated airwaves and tidal currents on that thing, the joint, she made it fall apart and got it all wet with her spit because she’s totally, like, inconsiderate. I just wanna be a rockstar she said, letting the smoke rest in her mouth and float out like it was dry ice in there or she was just some evil bitch.
Yeah.
Onscreen Aerosmith was undergoing major group therapy because they fucked their lives up bigtime with heroin and parties and stuff. All I know is that I would never miss a chance to party like that, it would be so fun. I mean for sure I wouldn’t get into the drugs and stuff because I’m not a junkie or anything and never will be, I just smoke weed sometimes. And I’ve only done that on like no more than four separate occasions and I dunno if I really even like it or not anyways. James at school squeezed my butt yesterday, I think he likes me and he’s cute and stuff, he’s just an ass when he’s around his friends and he makes fun of me when we talk, but I can tell it’s all self protection, all a mask he hides behind. He likes me I’ll have him eventually but I’ll be the one in control and he probably knows that right now.

2000 SEVENTEEN YEARS OF AGE DAY AFTER A PARTY
Last night man I got so drunk and I was dancing on James, grinding against him so hard just back and forth over and over while he just sat there on his comfortable chair high as fuck on mushrooms, the idiot. If any other guy woulda had an opportunity like that, they’d like come all over their pants or something, but no not James, he’s totally an idiot and I dunno why I even like him (my friends tell me to dump him anyways). Anyways I’ve been thinking a lot about submitting a video tape to Road Rules or Real World because it’s so cool I’m sure they would want me. I would make the best video tape and they would see the rockstar in me for sure. But Jenny wants to make a video tape too and I think that’s stupid because her face is fucking grotesque and she’s got pancakes for boobs and her ass is already saggy! I remember awhile ago when Caroline and me were walking down the hall after lunch break, Jenny was walking up the hall I guess coming towards us and I had a penny and flicked it right at her. It hit her square on the forehead and she looked around shocked because she had no idea who flicked that penny, her eyes wide and the red embarrassment rushing to her face and she looked down and we laughed and laughed. She never knew who did it the dumb little slut. S-L-U-T spells slut!

2001 EIGHTEEN YEARS OF AGE CASH MONEY MILLIONAIRES BABY
The last joint with Caroline before I go away for a whole year! I can’t believe this and I’m already getting calls from Coca-Cola and Pepsi and Timberland and Gucci and Loius Vitton and Coco Chanel they all want me to promote their stuff because they know I’m totally the hottest one on the show and that if I do it for them they’ll make lots of cash.
Caroline goes, Cash money millionaires baby.
I smoked from the joint and yes indeed how right you are Caroline. Last night was hard but mostly boring and pathetic because all I did was sit and console the poor crying baby James. He was sad that I’m leaving and came up with all this bullshit about how I’m totally going to get on some other guy and was pissed because I wouldn’t fuck him on our last night together but I couldn’t bring myself to because I’m already over the dumb boy anyway. He’s gross and getting kind of fat so I’m glad. And fuck everyone just FUCK EVERYONE because I’m going away from this shit hole and I know that this show will make me a rockstar and will make everyone like me and I’ll have people like me wanting to be me and I’ll be a role model for some and lots of guys will want to come all over me and I’ll be sexy as fuck.

2002 NINETEEN YEARS OF AGE REALITY TELEVISION
C’mon babe you know how it is it just can’t work out like this anymore you’re a beautiful person I believe that and I wish nothing but the best for you but I just can’t do this anymore.
Cameron turned his pouty face on and I forced my tear ducts to push out water and blinked so they’d begin gushing and I knew it would appear as if I was really heartbroken. I knew we had it when I heard the telescopic lens zoom in and I saw the production assistant behind camera number two jot down the song they were going to cue when this part of the episode played. God I am so good at doing this and I know exactly what everyone’s going to think when they watch. She’s so sincere and so beautiful not just outside but inside too, I want a girl like that, she’s perfect in every way, she’s strong, capable, totally innocent and has great style. Everyone will love me finally and this will be my true moment when I become something that guys obsess over and girls find solace with. I’m giving them their reality TV in perfect succinct doses, I’ve carefully measured each and played everything perfect and I’m already speaking with Time Warner or one of their affiliates because I (they) want (me) to make a record now.

2003 TWENTY YEARS OF AGE HIGH ON DRUGS
Yeah and UGH I can’t believe that guy tried to touch me.
He had a nice ass he was fuckable.
No way I said and these mollies were totally kicking my ass I could practically feel the MDMA coursing through all parts of me and it was great because I was hanging out with the coolest people ever! Despite the fact that my eyes could not hold in one position for more than the smallest millisecond and I was squirming and practically gyrating out of the blood colored plush VIP booth onto the sticky floor littered with straws and food wrappers and little drug baggies I looked at Tommy: Tommy you are such a cutie.
No you are honey.
No you are Tommy.
NO YOU ARE HONEY! and at that he procured a big white sticker from his inner left jacket pocket that said cutie and planted it right smack on my forehead. See you’re a cutie Tommy said but I couldn’t hear anymore because the force of that sticker impact sent my fucking brain reeling in a very, very wide orbit and all I could do for an hour or so was cling to my revolving planetsphere. I was cold and afraid and in the depths of some immense bleak universe expanding to eventually encompass all things, waiting for the year to pass so I could return to homeostasis but it never seemed to come. I finally grasped some piece of sanity and while the centrifugal force was strong I managed to hold on and Tommy was right there and somehow I was standing. I felt wet and looked down. My pants were all dark at my crotch.
Hah I spilt my drink all over me.
Yeah honey.
Did I spill my drink all over me?
Yeah I think so honey.
I went to the toilet and looked in the mirror and I was confused because the sticker on my forehead didn’t say cutie it said slut.

2004 TWENTY-ONE YEARS OF AGE IN THE STUDIO
I watched Paul messing with the EQ on the mixing board from the mic booth. How that stuff works anyways I dunno, all I know is that I really can’t sing at all but both of my records have sounded crisp clean and cash money. Perfect, Paul is such a talented guy.
Okay babe now I need you to just to be a little bit softer on this bit coming up. Gimme a high C, but do not touch a C sharp ok? I need this from you.
Paul’s such a great guy. Paul clicked his mouse and the music’s in my headphones and I’m waiting for the part where I have to come in. They already had a girl come in and “lay out the basics” (I’m quoting Paul here) which means that what she does is sing the whole song real nice, sorta like a guide for me you know? And then I just sort of sing on top of it just like her. I dunno I don’t totally, like, understand how I sound so good on the records because ninety five percent of the time I’m barely whispering into the microphone and those are the times that Paul goes Alright perfect!! so those must be the tracks he uses. Anyways the part where I was supposed to sing came and I sang the best I can

come on and ride, come on and jump
laser beam forest, ready set hut

but I sang it too loud again (all I want is to be fucking heard here it doesn’t make any sense because if it’s my music why the fuck does it always have to sound like this other backup girl that comes in and “lays out the basics”) because Paul goes No goddamnit bitch that is too fucking loud and it’s a fucking C sharp. Ok I’m surprised I was, like, actually in the C range because I have no idea what that note sounds like but either way Paul’s like: Again please. No C sharp. Just get a C out for me. And keep your voice down. Think (and at this he shows me his finger and his thumb in a gesture that looks like he’s describing a small penis) barely audible.

2005 TWENTY-TWO YEARS OF AGE MADISON SQUARE PARK
DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT AN OASIS IS.
Wow such a loud roar from my fans emerged at that point, it was like this exhilarating rush and I knew at that moment that this was exactly where I wanted to be, that this was what I was working towards all that time, right back to flicking a penny right into that nasty Jenny’s forehead and playing James like he was such a fool. None of them could see my inner beauty but now tens of thousands of people were seeing it and they knew it and could feel it, I imparted it to them so well.
AN OASIS, MY FRIENDS (yeah we love you so much, we want you you are our idol, we worship you and want to be you and want to be with you in this perfect place forever and ever) IS NEW YORK FUCKING CITY!
And then the music cued and the pyrotechnics behind me shot stars into the ceiling which drifted down like snowflakes among the audience where it burned small holes in all the leather jackets and Prada bags and halter tops and I could smell burnt hair at one point, a gross smell of decay wafting up to my nostrils that I almost choked. I saw Jenny in the front row and also someone with a backstage pass that I swore was Caroline and James I saw somewhere in the bleachers up high and I thought, burn, you can all fucking burn.

2006 TWENTY THREE YEARS OF AGE NICOLE COVERSATION
A month ago I met Nicole and she’s famous too. A lot of people like her but she’s got controversy surrounding her because just before her first show aired a video of her giving a blow job to some guy came out on the internet. I dunno realistically I think it like, boosted her ratings or something because now she’s living off the bad girl image and she’s more accessible for jack-off material now cos of that sex tape and all. Anyways you can tell that this whole bad girl image has totally gone to her head because we were in the limo together drinking Prosecco and snorting big fat white lines of yayo and she just starts like freaking out.
You know what man, all these people all the fucking fans and the tabloids and the reporters and the moms and dads they all expect you to be something that you’re not and the record companies, they’re all out there for them, for the consumer, and they just try to make you into a money making machine and make you into an image that makes money and they just use you and I’m so sick of it.
I’m taking another line of coke and nodding rapidly and I can feel my brain bouncing from the back of my skull to the front of my skull, and I can picture us both, Grateful Dead skeletons drinking Prosecco and snorting lines of chemical chuck in the limo.
And it just makes you want to do something crazy you know what I mean babe? It just makes you want to cut yourself or do something horrible just so you can have control again, so you can have control over some goddamn small piece of your life because in reality you and I both know that we don’t have any control. So I say do something totally insane and take your life back! OD on coke, let’s OD on this shit tonight, for real. Let’s get our fucking shit back.
I’m still nodding but this time much faster so I can’t even see anything and yes Nicole, let’s get our fucking shit back, totally.

2007 TWENTY FOUR YEARS OF AGE NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE
What happened. Why did you do that. Where is your career moving now. Are you through making music. What about your upcoming film with Disney. We heard reports you had a baby. Are you still a virgin. Last weekend you were sighted lying face down in an alley behind Club Lagoon. What’s with the tattoo. How do you think it will affect your future plans. Are you still doing the H&M shoot this fall. How do you respond to reports that you allegedly battered an airplane stewardess unprovoked. Why did you try and kill yourself. Are you having problems with your boyfriend. Is it because your boyfriend doesn’t respect your wishes to remain celibate until you’re married. Are you checking into drug rehab. Can you comment on reports that your boyfriend is having an affair. Is it true that your father’s a homosexual.
The fucking tabloid paparazzi people can not get enough of this shit and all I want to be is to be alone but all they want is some cookie-cutter image of perfect surreal status beauty but they can’t have that anymore because I never was that person and I made a big mistake ever buying into this whole thing because I didn’t know it would eventually be like this. I was at the mall on the fifth floor and there was a ledge where I could look all the way down to the ground level floor where there’s an open café. People were sitting at tables that looked like little silver circles on wallpaper. Shops lined the outside of the café and people were queued up in front of the barista and I could see them all like little ants. There’s Caroline, there’s James, and S-L-U-T Jenny!
It was so nice up there because I was totally alone and I could just watch, like they all watched me so many times, but then I figured it was even more depressing because I hardly ever have moments alone like this anymore, moments that lack the crushing pressure of fame and its schizoid effects on my system and even now that force is like, coming down on me bad. There’s no escape I swear to god. Leaning against the railing I’m just thinking fuck it so I got up on the railing and swayed forward, overlooking at all those people ants, just thinking. I thought of the time I asked the audience what an oasis was and imagined a pool of water would catch me if I jumped and I visualized the whole scene and thought it best if I just jumped so I jumped.
I flew forever and I knew it was the end and I was so happy at that moment and I saw it all in slow motion, the look of horror on Caroline’s face as her mouth slowly contorted in a silent desperate scream and James with long strides towards where he’d anticipated I’d land and Jenny yelling and waving her arms and freaking out and this high pitched wail emanating from I don’t know where. The fifth and fourth story were past me now and I only had two to go when I realized that I would hit the tall lamp perpendicular to the wallpaper floor before I hit the ground and then the impact happened my ribs hit the lamp and I heard a lot of cracking and some splatter and my flight was almost completely stopped, my limbs still catching up with the rest of my body in wide arcs like they were underwater but already that was over. I hit the ground softly because I had actually bent the lamp ninety degrees from the position in which it had originally stood.

2008 TWENTY FIVE YEARS OF AGE PROLOGUE
When I look back on it I guess my attempted suicide was kinda stupid. I saw on Dr. Phil the other day that all people who try to commit suicide are just looking for attention and when I really think about it maybe I was looking for attention (not that everyone didn’t pay attention to me already!) I dunno I guess I just let it get out of hand and I tried too hard to be a rockstar, but seriously, it’s a phase we like, all go through. Anyways I’m all good and recovered now I only had to rest in the hospital for a long time but all my fan mail helped get through it. My fans are so great, I’m so glad I have them. Anyways I’m on the phone with Paul right now just catching up because we haven’t talked for so long and he’s going So just picture it.
And I’m like Mmmhmm that’s not the only thing I’m picturing baby!
But he’s insistent so he’s like Just think about it. Think about it baby. Depressed and suicidal is fucking hot right now.